"It had gotten to the point where it seemed like nothing matters, because I'm not a real person and neither is anyone else."
Nemara namanya, anak pertama dalam keluarga bapak Amrie. Nemar berkelamin perempuan. Ketika bu Amrie hamil, mereka hendak memberi nama Nemar yang berasal dari kata 'ramen' dibalik setiap hurufnya dari belakang. Sederhana karena mereka berdua suka ramen. Kini usianya 23, sudah bekerja dua tahun di Bandung sebagai peneliti lepas dan guru Pendidikan Kewarganegaraan di SD dan SMA. Hingga suatu malam di sudut sebuah coffee shop dengan secangkir americano dan beberapa deadline yang meneriakinya Nemara memilih untuk menulis sebuah goresan pikiran tentang statusnya sebagai anak pertama. (Sederhana karena ia ingin menulis, menuangkan isi kepala yang membeku dan hendak dipanaskan agar mencair)
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Anak pertama berkelamin perempuan. Rasanya aku begitu sudah menikmati status ini. Status biarlah menjadi status, namun menjalankan norma dan segala paradigma tentang status tersebut adalah hal yang tidak semudah membaringkan badan di atas kasur. Usia ku 8 tahun pada kala itu, aku harus mampu menjadi manusia 'sok' dewasa dihadapan adik ku. Aku anak tertua namun usia ku masih anak-anak, emosi ku masih layaknya anak pula. Aku iri. Aku tidak mengerti mengapa harus mengalah, padahal bukan aku yang salah.
Usia ku sudah lima belas tahun, adik ku sebelas tahun. Tidak jauh. Aku tentu bisa menyapu, adik ku pun bisa ia bisa menggenggamnya dan kakinya pun bisa berjalan sempurna. Namun, aku lagi yang harus rajin menyapu. Tanpa diminta bahkan akan aku lakukan. Adik ku laki-laki sedang aku perempuan.
Semasa sekolah dan kuliah aku harus mampu menggapai prestasi terbaik. Aku anak pertama, ibu dan ayah orang tua baik aku minta buku mahal dibelikan tanpa mengeluh meski mereka sedang paceklik. Bahkan sering aku beli barang tak penting, dengan segala argumen yang kuat mereka pun akan memberikan. Dengan segala perihal tersebut pula aku harus sadar untuk menjadi anak berprestasi yang menjadi panutan yang ketika berusia enam belas tahun adik ku sudah ada dua. Aku anak pertama, kiranya aku tak ingin membuat adik ku dicekoki pertanyaan oleh teman nya tentang ku dan dia malas menjawab karena aku bukan kakak yang baik.
Hingga kini aku berusia 23 tahun, aku sudah mulai pusing memikirkan pertanyaan berceceran yang mencecar tentang pernikahan. Aku belum berhasrat menikah, bukan karena tak memiliki kekasih. Aku masih ingin manjadi aku, aku sang anak perempuan pertama. Belum ingin menjadi istri. Aku sudah berdamai menjadi anak perempuan pertama.
Kelak menikah nanti aku berstatus baru, banyak yang harus aku patuhi dan jalani. Hingga aku selalu kagum dengan setiap orang yang akhirnya memutuskan untuk menikah. Mereka sudah pasti menengguk hasrat atau cinta yang melelapkan mereka dari ketakutan akan pernikahan.
Hai pernikahan! Tapi sebentar lagi kamu akan menjemput ku. Idealisme ku yang ingin menikah tiga tahun lagi pada akhirnya runtuh, dengan lautan pertanyaan akan tentang mu.
Lampung, 22 Juli 2015
Ditulis ketika memandang langit, dipelataran rumah sambil bobo2.
To whoever you are who anonymously visiting my blog.
In the lack of signal condition, I try to post this.
Assalamualaikum wr.wb.
Sometimes my words are wounded, sometimes I express something strictly. And on this moment I want to use my words to say sorry for what I've been done.
Hope our days will be more productive with the kindness of words, and use it as weapon to spread positive impact.
My behavior could be out of norms, and not always good. As a human it's so humane, but I'm sorry I never meant to be bad or being the agony of anyone's heart.
Thank you, for your forgiveness.
Hope we can be good-friends always.
Don't forget to be grateful, cause you still present on this present. :)
Have a good day!
With the wholeheartedly,
Yana and her entire universe.
P.S. : It nice to know your thoughts about...... everything.
P.S.S. :There will be a kind of flashback in every ramadhan, like how was my ramadhan previously. Yet I don't know what will be missing from my ramadhan this year, but I'll be missing something next year.
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Hope next year, will be much more something to be grateful. Ehe.
In the lack of signal condition, I try to post this.
Assalamualaikum wr.wb.
Sometimes my words are wounded, sometimes I express something strictly. And on this moment I want to use my words to say sorry for what I've been done.
Hope our days will be more productive with the kindness of words, and use it as weapon to spread positive impact.
My behavior could be out of norms, and not always good. As a human it's so humane, but I'm sorry I never meant to be bad or being the agony of anyone's heart.
Thank you, for your forgiveness.
Hope we can be good-friends always.
Don't forget to be grateful, cause you still present on this present. :)
Have a good day!
With the wholeheartedly,
Yana and her entire universe.
P.S. : It nice to know your thoughts about...... everything.
P.S.S. :There will be a kind of flashback in every ramadhan, like how was my ramadhan previously. Yet I don't know what will be missing from my ramadhan this year, but I'll be missing something next year.
-----
Hope next year, will be much more something to be grateful. Ehe.
We quietly don't talk again, (actually it is just a day, but you act different now)
Maybe I was too much,
To enact you as my private journal,
But I miss how you argued.
Maybe I was too much,
To enact you as my private journal,
But I miss how you argued.
Meet me in silence,
The sound of our hearts will echo through our naked souls.
Tak bisa aku berkata untuk mereka,
Karena yang mereka berikan bukan sekedar kata,
Namun aksi nyata,
Namun aku hanya terbata-bata,
Mencoba mencari kata,
Untuk menyangkal mereka.
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Dosa.
Early in subuh I updated on line :
"Out of my professional field, I intentionally want to say that I never understand human. The more I try to muse them, the more they become too vague."
Really, I am not an anti-social due to my major in university it's impossible to get my field by being anti-social and loving solitary so much (well sometimes I feel comfortable with my me time, and maybe everyone will feel that way too sih) but beside my disciplines I am human too in general. I can explode, I loathe human, I don't agree with their dogmas, I don't like how they labeling people, I love their kindness, I love their uniqueness through life, I like how they have beautiful mind, I like how they make contradictory in conversation, I like how they photograph. But oh well, they are not often leave me with venom which is I don't have to shackled with it.
I hate them, especially when they left me wondering.
Some points why I don't get them lately :
- How could they don't even tell me if they want to cancel plan, I could understand that people may have their moody sides, but please give understanding on respect people. Or is it just me that put too big expectation to meet them? Well, not really I like being home too.
- This is will pointed to the boys, and I curse my loneliness to think that they will available to cure that feeling. It's not only one boy, that gave me cute stories. They gave me attention, asked how's my life, having a deep conversation, invited me to hang out, then what. In other day they would leave me WONDERING. Maybe they haven't watched White Bird In A Blizzard, how we could emotionally feel how the feeling of being left, without even any explanation or any problem before the leaving. There was one boy, one day he would nicely talk to me in other day he would leave me again wondering. If they have busy life, fine just tell me, I have my business too. This is sound too funny, but oh well seriously this is really matter to me.
- I don't understand how they stereotype people. Maybe I am not human.
- Am I really ugly? So, I don't look attractive and beautifully coloring your life?:( Well, I've thought about it too much, that I don't need to be worry with my look. The best will stay, the best will accept you in any way.
I want to live in harmony with people. I want to be a nice human.
I have willingness to understand them,
Or maybe is it just me in the outer space, so I couldn't reach them.
But I believe no one in this world can fully reach someone.
We have our own walls, it's inside of us.
And please don't leave me wondering.
You are beautiful, dear people.
Do not let society take that away from you. Yeah we can't ignore it's important to look good in society, but what's good?
P.S. : Thank you for those who stay.
Seringkali kita terjebak pada perasaan yang dihasilkan dari buaian pemikiran kita sendiri. Apa yang kadang kita rindukan atau cintai adalah suatu ide yang dihasilkan dari pemikiran kita, yang kita anggap itu adalah wujud cinta.
Kita mencoba membuat definisi sendiri akan cinta yang kita anggap 'cinta' padahal itu adalah pemikiran kita sendiri atas apa itu cinta.
Mungkin itu mengapa cinta berbeda-beda antara si senja,mentari,dan malam.
Mereka memiliki pemikiran mereka sendiri atas apa itu cinta.
Tidak salah memang, mendefinisikan cinta itu apa.
Yang fatal adalah ketika lupa, bahwa cinta itu banyak wujudnya.
Sehingga menolak atas wujud cinta yang lain, yang tak sepatutnya ditolak.
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Kita sering merindukan seseorang, tapi apakah benar kita merindukan orang itu?
Bisa jadi yang kita rindukan adalah pemikiran kita atas orang itu (the idea of someone).
Kita merindukan bagaimana tangannya menggenggam, bagiamana dia tertawa, bagaimana dia bisa menyangkal setiap argumen yang kita katakan, bagaimana orang itu menghidupkan kita.
Lantas akankah kita tetap merindukan orang itu, sebagaimana jika orang itu tidak berprilaku demikian.
Lantas selanjutnya, apa arti ketulusan?
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Sungguh memang tak seharunya berpikir jauh,
Yang indah adalah mengapresasi setiap orang yang ada dalam kehidupan yang sekarang, nikmati rasa yang ada, karena memang tak semua akan hadir selamanya.
Orang boleh saja tetap hadir di depan matamu, tapi rasa belum tentu sama hingga nantinya.
Orang bisa jadi tak ada di depan matamu, tapi perasaan belum tentu bisa sirna dan bisa jadi masih sama saja hingga kemudian.
Nikmati, jalani apa yang ada sekarang.
Depok,
9 Juli 2015
N.B. : Sedang mencoba apa yang bisa diketik ketika mata baru melek.
Apa yang ada di pagi hari, jika itu bukan sebuah hening,
Apa yang ada di pagi hari, jika itu bukan sebuah diam,
Apa yang ada di pagi hari, jika tidak diawali dengan membisu,
Apa yang ada di pagi hari, jika itu bukan lamunan.
Siapa bilang diam adalah ketiadaan,
Siapa bilang hening bukan sesuatu yang tak bersuara,
Siapa bilang membisu adalah tak bicara,
Siapa bilang melamun itu kosong.
Bagaimana diam begitu memikat,
Bagaimana hening begitu mencekam,
Bagaimana membisu begitu menusuk,
Bagaimana melamun begitu membegahkan hati,
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Sudah saatnya menghargai, bagian yang tak bisa ditolak dari dirimu,
Karena dirimu juga hasil dari ketiadaan,
Bukan apa-apa,
Gusti Allah-lah yang membuat mu ada.
Apa yang kamu rindukan jika bukan serpihan memori,
Tentang yang telah lalu,
Tentang yang tak akan kembali,
Tentang yang hanya membuat termangu.
Apa pernah kamu merindu pada hari depan,
Dirimu selalu tersedak dengan yang di belakang,
Jiwa terbelalak bersama angan,
Diam tak maju, membangkang.
Tentang yang telah lalu,
Tentang yang tak akan kembali,
Tentang yang hanya membuat termangu.
Apa pernah kamu merindu pada hari depan,
Dirimu selalu tersedak dengan yang di belakang,
Jiwa terbelalak bersama angan,
Diam tak maju, membangkang.
“We're all born with selfish desires, so we can all relate to those feelings in others. But kindness is something made individually by each person...so it's easy to misunderstand when others are trying to be kind to you.”-Natsuki Takaya
I grew up in normal family. Dad, mom, little brother, little sister.
I grew up with them.
My home is so much liberal, I mean dad and mom always give me liberty to decide my life.
Indeed I guarantee my responsibility for everything I do, everything I decide.
No boundaries for my activity, but sure always give me reminder to choose things effectively and the impact of it.
That time, when people call me as unique person.
I started to become feeling different from people.
But I believe people are unique, different.
Your might feel the pain because of heartache, so does your best friend.
But the feeling must be different, and a way to face it. I don't know I always believe that.
I have that period when I indeed want to disappear from people,
They say life is a roller coaster, but I feel, I am a roller coaster.
I like rose,
My ex was a great rose-deliver,
But I am feeling sorry to push him away,
I am not Alaska,
But I feel too, I am a hurricane.
I don't put much my interest in mainstream song,
I do appreciate it,
Taylor Swift is a damn genius musician and oh God she's so super-model,
But I prefer to follow a local woman, an indie musician,
And I like to check her writings.
I love lovely colors,
I put pink on my bedroom wall,
But I dress like everyday is the death of the people I love,
But in Russia black is happy, right?
I have big amount of friend,
They are great,
But why do they like to leave me lonely,
Are they feeling lonely too?
Musing,
Solitude,
Reckless.
Friday is my favorite day,
I was born on Friday,
But how could,
God took my beloved grandmother on Friday,
Yet doomsday will be on Friday too.
Oh, it's shouldn't be questioned.
I eat everything,
I like to eat,
I love food,
But everything is good to eat anything, with the affectionate people.
Coffee,
I don't remember the name of coffee drink,
Caramel macchiato,
Cappuccino,
Chocolate coffee mint,
Mochachino,
Latte,
Frappe,
Espresso,
Americano.
I don't remember my favorite.
But I rememeber the taste of Balinese coffee, Toraja coffee, Papua coffee, Gayo coffee.
I like to send letter,
Tell me if you want,
hehe.. weird?
I'm not, because I guess you have your own too.
I want to shut down my phone for at leas a week,
I can't even for a day.
I feel save,
I bring my book.
My common sense condemning the feeling of sleepy,
But I sleep everywhere.
I can cook, really,
I just don't practice much.
I've ever met an appropriate man for me, I guess.
But it was just kind of 'nice to meet you.'
(Dear you, I wish we still have much time to talk to love again? haha you will curse me for this. Don't you remember when we were gazing to the super-moon together?)
I feel so pretty good to be capable to help people. It makes me feel so human.
I have my wish too, when I get so old I want to be a really conservative moslem.
(should I wait this until I get so old, please someone lighten me up)
Mineral water,
Mojito,
Ramen
Sushi
Sambel kacang. Muach.
I feel so dusty in this universe,
At the same time I feel I'm the universe.
For you,
Whoever you are,
Be grateful,
Look at the sun that shines,
Stare to the moon,
Look how beautiful people are,
Autumn leaves,
Wind that blows,
Problems will come,
And remember you will pass that.
Seberapa jauh kamu merenung tentang hidup,
Hidup adalah hidup.
Anyway, I am in my study to be social worker,
If you have any relate issue,
yanasftr@gmail.com
It would be nice to know your thoughts! about everything.
P.S. :
God, who cares.
#SoSelfishPost
My lecturer approximately told us this :
"I was like other people, do what I can do. I am not that big, it is kind of destiny. It demands me to have that way."
That lecture was a great student and snatched double degree at the same time and still capable to bear best student title on her phase.
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If I may say, put your best effort in life. Leave it behind. Let the universe show you the way. Don't forget to pray.
