Lucu.
Bagaimana hari ini orang begitu berarti untuk kita, begitu have meaning. Dikemudian hari mereka hanya sepenggal kisah yang kita rindukan. Dan aku, sekarang aku ingin menikmati momen bersamamu. Aku menemukanmu, apakah kau juga merasa menemukanku. You are so out of my league. Jangankan berbicara perihal HAM ingin mencaci buku John Green saja saking bagusnya tidak bisa aku lakukan denganmu, jangankan buku bicara perihal tentang daun yang jatuh saja engkau akan sebut aku "alay." Begitu tersistematisnya dirimu, begitu engkau bisa melakukan sesuatu tanpa sesuatu luar pun mengganggu. Namun, jika bukan karena keberanianmu untuk berbicara dengan ku mungkin hingga detik ini aku masih merasa heran saja pada mu.
Kesederhanaanmu dalam berpikir, usahamu ketika menginginkan sesuatu yang membuatku tak segan mendengar ceritamu. Telingamu yang selalu bekerja untuk mendengar ocehanku, meski mulutmu tak tahu harus menimpali apa karena mungkin apa yang aku ceritakan belum pernah singgah di duniamu secuil pun. Sesederhana itu kau mengangkat jiwa ini keluar dari pasungan kegelapan. Suatu waktu engkau akan menghilang, dan di lain waktu engkau tak segan menceritakan kemana saja kau selama menghilang.
Mungkin tidak akan aku terima sepucuk puisi, bahkan sajak kecil darimu. Namun setiap perbuatan yang engkau lakukan menjadi sajak yang menggama dalam relung sanubariku, puisi itu tercipta dari kesederhanaanmu.
Filsafat berat kehidupan ini, seketika dibuat diam dengan kesederhanaanmu.
Jika kelak engkau sudah tidak tinggal, maka sekarang biarkan aku lontarkan.
"FINALLY, I FOUND YOU."
Biarkan aku dekap sakit ini bersama rasa rindu pada sesuatu yang-entahlah. Semakin aku lawan semakin rasa ini tak berperasaan. Bukan aku tak mencoba membebaskan namun aku ditempa hukum mati tak termaafkan.
Sore menjelma rindu,
Malam bernafaskan pilu,
Adakah engkau di sana,
Merasa hal yang sama.
Maybe I always forget to be happy, and intensively remember to be sad.
And you always remember to be happy, and never get attached into sadness.
Gagap merayap,
Sekujur tubuh membiru,
Mata terpasung pada kelaknatan yang telah berlalu biru,
Hati terkoyak disayati belati memori,
Aku ingin melangkah,
Menerjang,
Sementara kau pasung aku,
Kini,
Kemarin,
Jangan,
Jangan pasung aku lagi,
Esok aku ingin beranjak.
Sejak satu dekade lamanya aku merasa terjebak dalam buaian konsep cinta atas perwujudan yang dulu pernah tercipta bersamamu. Hingga akhirnya perahu dalam jiwaku ini berlabuh pada konsep cinta yang lain. Dan akhirnya konsep cinta akanmu hancur melebur bersama angin laut dengannya. Konsep tentangmu mulai hilang, lenyap.
Pada suatu senja dia meninggalkanku, aku tak tahu kemana harus berlayar dan lagu itu diputar kembali "crawling back to you.... La la la..." Haha.
Mengapa aku selalu mencari dirimu dalam diri orang lain. Utopis.
Asap tebal yang menyelimuti tanah Sumatera membuat mata pedih, hati meringkih.
Ada apa, ada apa,
Mengapa,
Aku bukan siapa-siapa,
Aku tak bisa berbuat apa-apa,
Untuk bayi yang mengaduh bahkan dalam tidurnya,
Untuk kakek dan nenek yang sudah mengampun meminta dicabut saja roh dari tubuhnya,
Untuk ibu yang tambah tak menahu,
Untuk ayah yang merasa gagal namun bukan jua salahnya,
Untuk pepohonan yang mengumpat mereka yang merampas ruang geraknya,
Untuk pemuda yang sudah seperti kehilangan arah ditambah keburaman penglihatan mata-hati,
Tuhan bersama kalian.
Some said it was because her heart was died so she didn't feel anything.
No, She feels everything so much that she couldn't explain.
I know the feeling of believe in something.
Maybe, that's why I barely to change someone to believe into something that I believe.
Maybe, that's why I barely to change someone to believe into something that I believe.
Kata-kata yang aku ucapkan padamu hanya membentur perilakumu yang miskin kata namun syarat makna.
At a blurry night I scream,
Living no dreams,
But emptiness,
I always looking for you,
You are so dark,
But you are the light of my darkness,
Kissing you in the lips is not enough,
Fuck your whole body is a fantasy,
To fuck your soul is an ecstasy,
To kiss your mind is always addictive.
Where will you go,
Stay there,
Put your glasses,
Kiss the pain away.
Grab my body with your though idealism,
We will always be us,
Laughing for awkward things,
No need bullshit for relationship.
Do it.
If someday you will go away,
Nothing to lose.
To : R.B.
Living no dreams,
But emptiness,
I always looking for you,
You are so dark,
But you are the light of my darkness,
Kissing you in the lips is not enough,
Fuck your whole body is a fantasy,
To fuck your soul is an ecstasy,
To kiss your mind is always addictive.
Where will you go,
Stay there,
Put your glasses,
Kiss the pain away.
Grab my body with your though idealism,
We will always be us,
Laughing for awkward things,
No need bullshit for relationship.
Do it.
If someday you will go away,
Nothing to lose.
To : R.B.
Semakin hari semua semakin mengawang-awang,
Biar saja aku ini terlihat biasa dalam nyata namun di dalam, semua adalah sesuatu abstrak yang mengawang bagai lukisan Picasso. Sering aku meneriaki diriku untuk berhenti mempertanyakan "what's the point" "what's the meaning" aku ingin berhenti dan menjalani jua menikmati.
Gelak tawa orang yang selalu tergeletak dalam ruang-ruang sekitar hidupku lantas tak langsung mengobati luka dalam diri.
Aku yang selalu berpikir realistis dalam nyata, tak bisa melawan suara-suara yang parau bahkan si monster dalam diri. Tak bisa aku realistiskan apa yang ada dalam diri ku.
Bukan aku tidak bersyukur, aku selalu bersyukur dalam hari yang selalu bergulir.
I tried.
This is actually like giving my whole privacy through publicity but in different way. Because I feel like this blog is my place, and no one is watching I scream here. I feel this is my world.So I gotta throw whatever I want to let it out.
The class has already started since Monday by this week. And everything is getting more complicated----again. Even when it is complicated I would sit there and smile. I feel like I have so many faces. But I never meant to do something bad for people, the problem is I'm a flexible person as hell. Some friends said that they wanted to be like that, but for me? I cry for that ability, I want a certainty, belong to certain people, belong to one definitive thing, I know it is paradox to belong only in one thing. But please I see people only get attached to some groups not all groups on the society. Even when I couldn't talk to a person, because she's too classy, and an intimidate person I'll try talk to her, normal.
The problem is I don't know where I belong, "you are too overthinking Yana." You could easily pointing me to convince me in that way, again my problem is not problem, I know---but I don't know. I maybe socially awkward but I try to talk.
People always have something on their heads at night. People always have feeling at night. And on night where I couldn't sleep, I cried for help, people were sleeping. And I was too much crying for something that I didn't know, Mom always at home so my father. I have them, I know. I cried for surreal. I never know how to get out from there, I never see a bird is flying free. It has something on the head, we call them free because they fly beautifully. But have we asked them about how they feel, how the sadness inside them?
So when I just want to cry in a time when I'm in crowded, I turn it into smile. Just smile, because I feel so win, to fight it with smile. I WIN. That is my field, I don't have desire to win anything in society, I already have big monster inside myself, and when I could win the battle. I WIN. I WIN.
I don't know how it goes,but I always want to help people. Call it too assertive, and not a good thing at all but that's me, there is a time that I just want to sleep at my room without distracted by any willingness-to do something that people demand. I want. I might look---normal--- but inside when I couldn't help people from their sadness, I turned to be gloomy, I failed. And I have done so many failures.
People see me as a positive person. Inside, I couldn't get out from labyrinth, so I see problem in society in a positive way. Having word inside that couldn't be pronounced, I always try to express my own emotion, what's on my head. Again, I don't know, I don't know how I feel.
Doing things for being activist of some sort is to make myself not drowning into the sunset of my brain. Beautiful sometimes, but it is so dark. So I keep doing things to make me forget, about the monster. Even I often don't know what's the point of my activities. The people, they always have something to talk, they sound like want to win everything in what they say, I just couldn't be. Or if I sound like I want to win a debate, I maybe just don't have something to do.
I want to be like people, just talk about professional things to people they don't belong. And just comfortable to some groups of people. I want just sleep at my room, read my books, listen to the solitude. But I could drowning and losing again by crying.
I gotta talk what I gotta talk, again I couldn't pronounce, this doesn't present myself in wholeness. Maybe people feel that too, maybe it is just me that too sad. So I smile, I smile. I do things, even I don't know the point. I just want peace. I talk about too much "I want" yes I want, and I try.
People are beautiful. I see them.
People are beautiful. I see them.
C'EST LA VIE!
